I read the most beautiful book recently. I devoured it in two days. It got my wheels turning about so much in life. Here is a short quote that has gotten me thinking:
“Recovery is an unbecoming. My healing has been a peeling away of costume after costume until here I am, still and naked before God, stripped down to my real identity.”
Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir
Her words paint such a vivid picture and really bring to life a very really struggle. We all wear our masks on a daily basis. We have roles in life we have signed up for. Daughter, wife, mother, runner, friend, employee, father, son, coach, student…the list is long. Some roles are assigned to us and there is no negotiation. Other roles we sign up for willingly. Then there are the ones we sign up for unwittingly. There are even roles we sign up for then change our minds. Life gets full and messy. At some point we lose who we are at our core. We don’t really know how we became this person. Then, in each life a crisis comes. Each of us comes upon our own crisis. It forces us to take a long look in the mirror and assess. If we aren’t quite happy with what we see and where we are at there is no choice but to “unbecome” who we are.
So, let’s start here. I have always been my parents daughter. At 11 I became someone’s sister. To many I have been a friend. Most of my life I have been someone’s girlfriend. Then I was someone’s wife and later I was mother to two very special people. I think early in life I questioned a lot of this. As a young girl I was fairly introspective and although I took on all of these roles and fit in on the outside, somewhere inside I did not feel like I did.
For anyone who has ever questioned it all and felt a little puzzled about where they have ended up it’s time to go back to the beginning. We retrace our steps not to beat ourselves up but to see where we went off the path. We do it to find who we are at the core. We do it to discover who we are and who we want to be.
The point is we can’t keep moving forward in life SUCCESSFULLY if we don’t get right with the past and how it brought us to the current crisis.
To me this means dropping my ideas of who I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to go next. It occurred to me recently that most of my life has been spent in one romantic relationship or another. I have always moved from one to the next. I feel comfortable being part of a couple. There is nothing wrong with that, it is just a fact. However, did I ever take the time to really discover who I am on my own? Maybe. Maybe not.
When I was young and single I spent most of my time going out partying. Since my divorce I have been consumed (obviously) with being mom. I took care of myself by getting fit and yes that is a big part of who I am but is that ME at the core? That’s just the window dressing in a lot of ways.
So these past few months I have begun the work of starting fresh with a new chapter. There are times when I want this chapter to be over. I want the work to be done. I want to be moved into a new home. I want to find the RIGHT guy for me. I want my kids to be in their best place and know what will happen to them. I want to rush past the uncertainty. It doesn’t’ work that way though. So I have decided to cherish this time of growth and uncertainty.
Here is what I know for sure:
– I am going to be ok
– Change takes time, patience and a good long look in the mirror so we know the part we played in our crisis
– My children and going to thrive in their own way and be happy in this world
– We will have a new home
– I will find a partner that is worthy of my love and attention. He will be as strong as I am.
Here is what I do not know:
What any of the above will look like!!!!!
And…that’s ok. For now I will continue to “unbecome”. I am getting comfortable with dropping all of the roles and expectations. Each day I put the work in and make the next best decision for my life. Here is what that looks like:
– Self care comes first
– Enjoying every minute with my children and not future tripping where the will be in 2 years
– Meeting new people and figuring out what I really want
– Putting myself out there and trying new things
– Standing in my truth and owning my story
For me, and I believe for a lot of us, not knowing what is next is scary. We focus so much on the questions and analyze. I was told recently that I live too much in my head and not enough in my heart. I try to pick things apart and figure it all out. That has its place for sure. However, sometimes we just need to do the work and trust our heart. At the bottom of it all when we dig deep and get in touch with who we really are there is no way our instincts and intuition will let us down.
Give it a try. Take off the masks. Go back to the beginning. Take a good long look in the mirror and decide if you like what you see. If you don’t, start over. Every day is a new chance to begin again.
Oh, and go out and get the book on amazon. In case you need more inspiration. It’s EVERYTHING!
Love and Light,