There was a time in my life when everything I attempted to do felt like I was pushing a boulder up a mountain. I was always working and trying. I knew if I just kept working I could MAKE the life I wanted happen. Funny thing is the harder I tried and worked the harder things seemed to be. I lost my faith. I lost my way. It seemed the rest of the world was living life with ease.
When I tied to get pregnant for 3 years it seemed everyone around me was pregnant after 1 month of “trying”. When my children were diagnosed with Autism it seemed other people’s children reached their milestones way ahead of schedule. When my marriage was in the final stages of falling apart it seemed the whole world was full of happy couples.
Then I had my miracle. That’s right I am using the word miracle. I know it is such a strong word. It sounds impossible.
I drove to a center in Massachusetts called the Option Institute to take a week long course in what is called the “Son Rise” program when my children were 3. I was training to start my own at home program with my children. It was very different than the work the therapists and school had done with them. I got more than I ever dreamed. I was given tools to live my life with acceptance. They taught me to stop judging myself and my life. They also taught me some amazing methods that brought about great changes in my children. Did they take Autism out of my life? No way. What happened was a miracle though.
I remember the first night I drove there alone like it was yesterday. I had never driven so far in my life. I did it alone which should have been scary but I was full of determination and for the first time in a long time, HOPE. I had a problem with one of my tires leading up to the trip and my ex husband waited until the day I was leaving to get it fixed. I guess I should have brought the car into the shop myself, but I didn’t. I mention this because that setback forced me to start the drive later than I planned. When I arrived it was already dark. It was December and snowing. This was 2008 so I didn’t have GPS or Siri. I had written my directions out in large print in a notebook so I could read them while driving. I arrived in one piece. As you drive into the property there is a plaque that reads “A place for miracles”. I thought to myself…well that’s good because I need a few.
I tell this story because this one of those pivotal moments in my life. It was the beginning of some very big changes. All of the things that happened next are too long to fit here. Maybe that’s meant for a book at some point. Let me give you the top highlights:
- I learned to see my children’s challenges as a blessing instead of a life sentence. That doesn’t mean we didn’t struggle from that moment on. We did and always will. I just KNOW now no matter how things turn out we will be ok.
- I learned that the partner I was married to would never be anyone else besides himself. We don’t belong together. We never did. I am grateful for the pressure that was put on our relationship. If we were on the same page we would have worked together and been that much stronger for it. That just didn’t happen and that’s ok. The end of my relationship made room in my life for better things ahead.
- Miracles aren’t what we think they are! A miracle isn’t getting the outcome you always hoped and prayed for. A miracle is a shift in mindset. The miracle happens when we see all of the way things went wrong and yet we feel grateful and at peace. It happens when we see that things didn’t turn out the way we planned and yet we pick ourselves up and try again.
Sometimes our plans don’t come together. Sometimes the people closest to us betray us. Sometimes it all falls apart. I have learned that when I take those “failures” and see them as a lesson I can move on. It isn’t always easy. I won’t deny that letting my guard down feels uncomfortable. I am usually waiting for the other shoe to drop in my life. If I didn’t admit that I would be a liar.
So, I keep reminding myself to trust that the universe sent me my “assignments” and I have learned what I needed from them. I take time each day to feel grateful. When I am at my lowest I practice my gratitude the hardest. I have had days when I have talked to myself while driving – listing all of the things in my life I feel are my blessings. I journal and keep asking myself what can I do to be helpful in this world. It grounds me and gives me peace.
I looked around my parents’ house on Sunday as my family assembled for dinner and thought to myself all of these crazy people are mine. They are my support. They are my heart. I tell you this today because I want you to believe all things are possible. We might not always get the miracle we thought we needed…but we will get one if we let go and believe. Life is full of surprises. When you are in the shit I promise.– it will pass. I can’t wait to see what is up next.
Love and light,